My Very Own Fantasy Christmas

And because I think Chrissy is one of the awesomest things since baked bread, I am now going to flatter him with imitation (which is the sincerest form of flattery) and copy his ingenious idea of making a very unrealistic (and slightly belated) Christmas Wish List.

So, without further ado, here is my Belated Holiday Wish List:
(p.s. - It's better than Chris's because it's in iambic pentameter)

I couldn't possibly ask for more Christmas cheer,
For I'm incredibly blessed.
But, while we're all here...
I would've liked to have just one sweater,
A great big white cashmire one-all the better.
And it's never too late for a Man Farm to start
Stocked with ripped twenty-somethings
Who won't break my heart.
A move to Florida would've been gay
Had it not placed my friends so freaking far away.
So now Colerado is my paradise
I can only hope my friends
Will visit once or twice.
A call from a boy who I find quite charming
Could be really nice, and somewhat disarming.
For one thing this Christmas I could've done without,
Was the manhating grudge, and the perpetual pout.
From Provo, the things that it hurt most to leave
Were my friends, for whom I will soon surely grieve.
Because honestly, leaving will suck quite a lot.
Can I not take them with me?
Cause that would be hot.
Until then, I will wish for the time I have left,
To be filled with laughter, and the ones I love best.
Please let me have a New Years Kiss,
From someone I hope isn't reading this.
And maybe a promise that I won't be forgotten,
Because--don't forget--I'll be back by next Autumn!

Fa la la la la la la la LA!

Merry Christmas to all, and to all some spiked eggnogg!

So I've decided that Christmas at home is not only a time to be threatened into stunts of mass humiliation, or to sit uncomfortably in the presence of relatives long ago gone to seed. It is also a time to reflect upon the glory of one's blessings, and for me, more specifically, on the friends that I love and miss:

Rachel- I can't begin to say how thankful I am for you. This past year has been like living in heaven with frequent non-optional trips to hell. If it weren't for you, I'm pretty sure I would have died. Or I might have lived on, but looked pretty sh*tty doing it. Thank you for being my strength and my inspiration. Leaving you is going to suck big time. I lub you.

Candice- You make me want to be shorter. And I mean that in a good way. I so admire your fun and positive attitude that always prevails, even when you are pissed off. And I personally always thought you were funnier then anyways. Thank you for being a goddess of fashion, and making me want to try things that I never would have until you did it first.

Chris- Oh, Chris Chris Chrissy Chris. I love you for not laughing at yourself. Or me. You're the one person I can always trust to listen to my stupid self doubts and issues without laughing or making fun of me. You're always willing to talk to me about my vast men problems, even though you make it clear that my bitterness annoys you. Thank you for not letting me become too embittered with life.

Robbie- I'm going to go and live with your mom. Is that ok? I'm going to miss you, even though I don't get to see you that often these days. Thanks for making me want to be a funnier person, also more creatively evil. I will probably never reach your level though. Call me when you need arm candy anytime, (although Rach and Candice are hotter and would probably work better) and that reminds me I think I still have your coat. Hang in there, someday it'll happen. Whatever "it" is...

Glade and Hyrum- I'll never forget about that cheerleader outfit, dangit. Someday, boys. Someday. The memories have been awesome, and you know you'll always be some of my most favorite of favorites. Thank you for letting me dress you and pretending it looked cool.

Wiggle- You are the hottest kindergarten teacher I know. Let's hang out again soon, I miss you!

All of my friends at Los Hermanos- Y'all have made the past year of what could have been a potential disaster (working in a Mexican restaurant in Utah) not just bearable, but one of the best experiences of my life. Gracias por todos los tiempos de divertido y allegria.

Merry Christmas everyone! I cry as I write this, because I can't believe that I have been blessed with such amazing people as my aquaintances, colleagues, and friends. You are all so much more important to me than you can possibly know, and I can't bear to think that I might be leaving you even for a short time. I'm going to have to find a way to survive, even if it means I have to take up drinking. But for now, please know that I am very grateful for you all.

In the words of Mariah, all I want for Christmas is You!

Billie Jean

Okay, so here is a brief exploration into a world which I cannot possibly begin to fathom of its meaning. Billy Jean's mind. At least, that's the name that I'm going to use for the person I am going to illustrate. Now, this is not to be taken as a slandrous statement of any kind, however, I find myself more perplexed than usual about the behavior of this type of individual. Of course, now that I think about it, I'm not completely sure that others like her do actually exist--up to this point I have only encountered one such specimen--but if they do, I wonder exceedingly at their ability to survive and procreate. It's not that these types are necessarily heinous to behold, but their behavior is just so, so... unnaturaly bizarre.

At this very moment, I sit and listen to the detached ramblings of just such a person, (it's not hard to guess which one) as they frame an e-mail directed at a past fling, a male which has gone without contact for quite some time. It goes something like this: "Dear ______, I'm not sure if you still use this account, but this is Billy Jean. I'm coming home soon and I don't know if you're in a serious relationship or not, but I really think we should hang out. And by hang out, I mean make out. To date you are the best kisser I've ever had, and so I think we should hook up. Call me, and if you don't I'll call you." After reading this aloud to me, she then rejected my proposed abridgements, some of which included maybe not mentioning making out on first contact (especially not knowing the marital status of the intended reader) at the risk of sounding desperate.

At my mention of the word, the writer looked at me with brash misunderstanding. "What the hell is desperate?" Oh, my mistake. "I'm not desperate. I don't care. I can make out with anyone else if he's not interested." Okay, sorry. I simply meant to assert that perhaps it is best to find out first if this person will even answer your message before you openly proposition them. After all, you need to hold something back, not give it all away at once. Otherwise you might be called a slut, yeah? Writer, [looking annoyed] "Honey, I'm a giver. I'm not a taker I give and what I give people want." OH. Sorry, I wasn't aware that there was such a demand for free services these days. (Okay that was rude.) It's just...you'd think that those who don't follow the natural rules of human interaction would learn after a while that you can't just not care what people say or how they treat you. You can't defy the laws of judgment just because you think you're right and that's just how it is. Can you?

Then again, these thoughts prompt me to ponder what would happen if we all behaved like _____. Would the laws of the universe just cease to exist? Would men actually begin to desire ignorance of impropriety as a necessary trait in dateable women? Would everyone start saying things like "Hell yeah, my skirt's too short. But you LOVE it. Just because you've got a boyfriend who's temple worthy doesn't mean he wouldn't rather date me." and be right? Can there be something that the rest of us just aren't getting, and maybe we're the ones that need to change?

Do we all need to become Billy Jean? And would the world end if we did?

Best Christmas Song Ever

Here is the new (slightly revised) and awesome version of the Christmas song. Made for you by me. (And Dedicated to Rachel and Candance)

The Special Christmas Song
(To the tune of the actual Christmas song)

Good friends laughing round an open fire
Rob smears snow into your nose
Eighties tunes being danced to all night
And we're dressed up like little Ho's
Everybody knows some smokers and some mini-mos
Help to make our season bright
Fellow freaks will all stand in a row
Because girls, this is 80's night
They know that men come here to play
And all their favorite songs by Prince are on the way
And if your mother knew, she'd probably cry
To see you dancing with that punked out guy
And so, I'm offering this simple plan
To kids that hang with our crew
Babes, take a minute, give me a call if you can
Merry Christmas! Let's go eighties dancing! This means...you!

Why I'm going to Stop Talking About it Now

I just realized something. Even though I am stressed, heartbroken and alone for Christmas, it doesn't really matter.
No one likes a whiner during the holidays. That's why people hate the Grinch and Scrooge (even though if you want my opinion I secretly maintain that they were both just poor, misguided souls that might've gotten dumped and just needed a little validation.) but it's true that they could've gone about it in a less dramatic way. I mean, seriously guys. So you're depressed. Go eat a freaking fruit cake.

Anyway, Happy Holidays, Everyone! I hope you all find joy, whether it's in the form of a new love, a pair of mittens or a tin full of liquer fudgies! Tralala!

Why the Holidays Suck for Poor Single People

So. I know that this is a rather depressing and negative way to start off a new blog. However, it is now three am and I am sitting on the couch next to my Christmas tree, feeling somewhat lonely and sad for some reason so lay off my artistic whims. Anyway, I read this article the other day about "Why the Holidays are Sad for Singles". Firstly the title prompts the reader (if they've ever been single at any point) to say "Well, duh. Of course the holidays suck if you're single. It's all about being with someone you love and if you have no one, you might as well just skip it. Tell us something we freaking don't know. Etc..." But then, to my ultimate shock, the writer of this unfortunate publication then went on to give ten painfully obvious reasons why it isn't fun to sing carols on your own: They went something like this:
You don't have a date to the office Christmas party, you don't get a present from boy/girlfriend, you don't have anyone to tell you you don't look fat after scarfing that box of fudge, all of your family members ask why you're alone, you are in fact alone, you should just add to the exponential suicide rate during the holidays because you're worthless and incapable of joy, etc.
Well, after that jolly little foray into Christmas happy, I decided to compile my own (slightly more true and even more hilariously depressing) version of why the Holidays are not so holly jolly for the recently single. Robbit, I hereby dedicate this to you: (and me while I'm at it)

1) Every sappy Christmas movie ends up with someone falling in love. Except you. You're the one who finds the true meaning of Christmas. Yay.

2) While everyone else is singing "All I want for Christmas is you" by Mariah Carey, you get to sing the Chipmunks version of "Santa Baby"

3) Save the money you would've spent buying a present for that special someone and put it towards yet another video game.

4) Get a job in retail for the season. Then you really will hate Christmas.

5) There was never a better time--or excuse--to take up drinking!

6) 20% of all engagements at BYU take place over Christmas vacation. And it's still not too late to start drinking.

7) If you think it can't get any worse, just remember that you're not forced to live in some other war-torn country where they have no food and they don't have to watch people going Christmas jewelry shopping together or cuddling on every available snowy bench or skating hand in hand... Okay maybe don't think about that.

8) You might be alone, but at least everyone is too busy hooking up with someone else to notice and make fun of you, right?

9) You can sleep through the New Years countdown.

10) You can call me. I won't be doing anything.